Rage subdued

So I got a phone call saying my father was taken into hospital today.

It has been a long time coming. He has terminal cancer and spent the last couple of years undergoing all sorts of treatments in an attempt to stop it. Unfortunately there’s nothing the doctors can do to stop it, so he’s undergoing a major operation in order to try and give him a few more years of life before it catches up with him and kills him. From what I’ve heard from my mother the operation itself went smoothly, but he’ll be stuck in hospital for a little while yet, and even after they let him go home he want be able to be up and active for another two months. Even then, it’s going to be several months of further check-ups before we know whether or not the operation successfully gave him some more time.

The rest of the family is going to visit him in hospital but I can’t do it. I fucking hate hospitals more than anything, in my mind they are where people go to die. They reek of an obfuscating sterility in a futile attempt to mask the pervading decay.

The notion of my father, a strong figurehead in my life, reduced to a state of helplessness and vulnerability in a hospital bed has a profound effect on me, it chills me to the core, like icy fingers clasped tightly around my heart. I am all too familiar with mortality and have readily come to accept my own, but to see my father in a state of weakness is more anathema to me than death ever could be. That’s why I’m not going to visit him, it would shatter my worldview and cause me to break down, I’ve been through too much fucking suffering in the last two months, for various reasons, to compound this on top of it, so I’m going to wait until he’s out of hospital being going to see him.

This whole ordeal is rather testing. There’s a very real possibility that he’s not going to live long enough to see me achieve real success with my life, never see my chase my dreams, never see me change the world, never see me find another beautiful woman and get married. That bastard, he had better fucking live long enough to give me away to some pretty young thing or I swear I will dig up his maggoty ass corpse and drag him to the ceremony myself.

Not my usual ragey update today I’m afraid, with all of this going on there has been too much on my mind for me to bite anyone’s head off.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Rage on sale, now only £14.99

Today I went to do a little bit of food shopping so that I didn’t starve, woman does not live by Easter egg alone, and I have a nasty habit of waiting until my fridge is completely devoid of anything edible before motivating myself to pick up some more. As usual, however, I cannot have a single day where the universe doesn’t throw something in my face to make me rage.

So anyway, there I was waiting in line for a little because something’s obviously going wrong with the transaction in front, no big deal, when the middle age woman who is being served just starts bellowing at this young girl working the checkouts. I mean seriously having a proper go just because this girl is not allowed to sell her this CD she wants because there’s been a recall. Well if it wasn’t obvious by now I’m not the kind of person who just sits back when shit like that happens.

Who the hell could ever think that was okay? You can’t have exactly what you want so you’re going to throw your fucking dummy out of the pram, is that it, you entitled bitch? People who think that the world owes them something really get on my nerves. The girl isn’t allowed to sell you the item. That’s not her fault, that’s just her job and she has to follow the rules. Buying luxuries is not some fundamental human right; people do not exist purely to provide for you, to cater to your whims. Where the fuck do you get off making someone else’s life miserable for so selfish a reason?

Anyway, this poor fucking girl was in tears so I gave the bitch a piece of my mind. She wasn’t expecting that, that’s for sure. It’s fair enough when you want to bully someone who you know full well isn’t going to say anything back because she’d lose her job, but the moment I stepped in and started intimidating her all the colour drained from her face, like your typical fucking coward. Naturally she gave me the same old tired lines about “why does it matter to me” or “mind your own business”. I figure that as a reasonable human being it is my bloody business to step in when others are being mistreated, thank you very much. If more people stood up for one another, instead of letting entitled assholes who think that the sun revolves around them get their way, the world would be a better place to live.

Well eventually the manager comes along with security, and with a little explanation from the staff she kicks the self-absorbed bitch out of the store and everyone got to continue shopping like civilized human beings. I got a little thank you and a few words of approval, but the real reward was cutting that wretch down to size.

Seriously, when has it ever been socially acceptable to demand things of others? When has it been okay to callously disregard the emotions of other people in favour of your own material gain? It takes some kind of sick, twisted human being to think that they just outright deserve things, and take it out on the world when they don’t get them. Pure, unrestrained greed to the sacrifice of others, and for the sake of something so shallow and meaningless.

Of all of the types of people in this world, entitled people disgust me the most.

This blog is now sugar free

‘Sugar free’ shit pisses me off.

So today I went out and bought myself a few chocolate Easter eggs is the sale before the all disappear, because hey, it’s Easter and I like chocolate. Much to my annoyance, however, all of the Easter eggs available had a big yellow notice on the front saying ‘No added sugar... for those wanting to reduce their sugar intake.’

Here’s a revolutionary idea for people who are concerned about their weight, I’ll give this one out for free: Stop eating shitty food and exercise more! Do people seriously think that switching to ‘no added fucking sugar’ chocolate instead of the regular stuff is going to make them shed pounds? Are they under the assumption that Diet Coke is as healthy as volcanic motherfucking spring water?

What upsets me more, however, is that the fault does not entirely lay with the people consuming this shit. No, no, the bloody food corporations would have a heart attack is anyone with an image problem started to actually eat healthy, because they wouldn’t touch their processed crap with a 50ft barge pole, loaded with more preservatives that Joan Rivers’ FACE.

Seriously, it’s as if society as a whole is in denial. We’re not living in some kind of fantasy world where you can do what you want and suffer no consequences for it. If you have image problems and you want to be thinner then you have to make sacrifices for it. If you don’t have image problems then good for you, the world needs more people with confidence. There’s no easy way out, you can’t simply eat whatever the fuck you want just because it claims to be ‘sugar free’ or a ‘healthy option’, because it’s all utter, marketed garbage preying upon innocent but lazy people and spreading complacency.

We have to work for everything we get in this life; the big corporations aren’t going to give you a helping hand along the way, they just going to try and bleed you of every penny you earn, feeding you with false hope for change that never comes.

A healthy lifestyle comes from preparing your own food from scratch, as well as getting a decent amount of exercise. And it’s not always fair because some people have to work harder at it than others, but that’s just how it fucking is, deal with it. It’s hard work sometimes, preparing your own food several times a day, day-in day-out, can be a pain in the arse, but a little extra effort is the only way you can achieve anything, stop being so fucking lazy, you... group of people I may be addressing!

Nobody is going to spoon feed you your personal triumphs! Fight for what you want!

Besides, that shit is nasty anyway. Diet shit takes like a goddamn chemical factory in a bottle, and don't anybody try to tell me otherwise, bunch of wierdos with barely functional tastebuds.

Argh, my aching everything!

Biting off more than we can chew. Why do we do it?

We’ve all been there, whatever the situation may be we’ve jumped up in front of someone or a group of people and offered to do something awesome, something which blows them away that only you are capable of. I mention this because I just a good portion of the last two days of my life working on a project for a group of friends, neglecting work, entertainment and social life in the process in order to get it done.

The project in question was a large illustration to coincide with something special and creative a friend of mine was doing. Now I am by no means an artist or a graphic designer. I fool around on Adobe Illustrator from time to time for shits and giggles but I can’t really produce anything spectacular, so it baffles me why I’d offer to do something like that in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret doing it and I was moderately pleased with the end result and I think other people were too, but that’s not the point: Why did I fucking bother getting myself in a situation where someone expects something special out of me in the first place? Why do we as a species fall into these traps so often.

I suppose if the person I was offering a favour to was an attractive woman then it’d be a different matter entirely. If it wasn’t already completely obvious I’m a raging lesbian and I would raise Atlantis from the fucking depths if I thought it’d bring a brief smile to the face of someone I feel for. But in this particular instance there was nothing to gain from my unwarranted act of sudden and unexpected generosity, and no real reason for me to do it in the first place.

And we’re not talking about just being a little nice here, we’re talking me breaking my back for 18+ hours and running after a group of people trying to find what they’d like out of it. Specifically I’m talking about offering to do more than we’re really capable of within reason. Is it to show off? To prove to ourselves and others that we are capable of things they never expected of us? Do we have some kind of drive to improve some marginal skill even when there is absolutely zero purpose to it?

Frankly this whole affair was rather excruciating and at the end I wound up feeling more relieved that it was finally done, perfectionism aside, than joy at what I had created. I know full well that I’m not the only one guilty of this, but I think it’s going to be a long time before I offer a helping hand to someone again.

I don’t understand people, myself included.

Do any of you, my few fine readers, have any stories to share?

Aftermath

Weddings, weddings, weddings. Where to begin?

Firstly: Rageblog though this may be even I, with my heart of ice, will not raise complaints about the ceremony. My sister looked stunning and the formalities themselves were a blissfully short half-hour long, though filled with tears from plenty of the people visiting. I do not understand why people cry at weddings.

Included was the most masterful piece of comedic timing I have ever experienced. As the fellow in charge of the ceremony finished saying “Is there anyone here who knows of any legal reason why these two could not be married?” the room fell quiet for a couple of seconds, only for a single baby to break the silence with a loud “GAH!”. The entire room burst into fits of laughter, even the bride was almost rolling on the floor.

The reception was in the same place, so everyone was there from 1pm til 1am the next morning getting absolutely smashed off their faces. My little cousin was there; she’s only ten years old but I’m already doing by best to try and help her develop into a responsible young woman by convincing her to go around stabbing people with a fork all while other people were competing to see who could eat the most profiteroles.

I wish some people knew better how to dress themselves, however. One woman was wearing an open-backed dress with rolls upon rolls of fat hanging out and bouncing around, it was absolutely disgusting, and another woman went with a short dress and no tights despite the fact that her legs were horrible and mottled, it was extremely unattractive. If something makes you look objectively hideous then don’t fucking wear it.

The band was excellent as well, not exactly my kind of music, but they had everyone up and dancing and they really did well to please the crowd of people, no easy task. I wish people would be more fucking careful though, twice during the night someone took a drink onto the dance floor, and twice during the night a glass was broken on the dance floor. If you can’t keep it in your fucking hands then put it down. Drunken skanks that can’t hold their liquor piss me off.

Despite that, a good time was had by all, about 250 people in total, not that it matters, the only person whose happiness I could give a crap about was my sisters, and we was happy so it went well as far as I am concerned. Of course it helped that her new husband sprung a surprise honeymoon to Paris on her. I asked him to pinch me a 'souvenir'. From the Louvre. It still wasn’t quite worth putting up with that wretched hotel for the other two days, but at least the event itself was mildly entertaining, and I didn’t have to pay for my drinks. I drank LOTS in order to get me through the night without issue. I can only hope that it is a long time before the next family event.

There was a slight bitter note for me, however. This is the first formal occasion I have been too since my fiancée and I split up, for the last FOUR YEARS I haven’t had to be alone at something like this. She and I were supposed to get married last year before my sister, even if she is older than I am (she and I were even competing for dates at one point to see which of us could pull it off first). Of course that got called off first of all and then last month... Bah, not worth mentioning. The bitch is history now.